i have a new magical spell i've been working on...necessity is the mother of invention, right? who said that, frank zappa? i don't remember. anyhow money was tight, food was alright and i needed a beer or six for the night. but alas, how could i loose the shackles of poverty! i thought, hmmm...jesus was good at this. i mean, look at him. he had no money, broke as hell; couldn't even afford to buy closed-toed shoes for work but he always made do with nary a complaint...what was jesus' secret? tousled curls and a cherubic smile? no...though it might have helped in tough spots like when he raised lazarus from the dead but wasn't doing shit about the damn stink. he probably just busted a grin and sent those mourning sisters of lazarus' into beatlemaniacal swoons.

but pearly whites never put food on the table, or ale in the gut. how, then? did preaching fill the spirit in way that made filling the bowels unnecessary? was it the sheer rapture of educating the masses that rendered the eating of food redundant? by the indications i've gotten from schizophrenic homeless people, the two seem to be pretty much unrelated. if there's any connection at all it's probably just that a day of screaming on a street corner about the day of reckoning and "Osama Doin' America like Hitler did the Jews" takes enough outta ya that the only thing to do at night is collapse near a public water fountain and slumber, farting, without a single thought for delicious cheese pizza or crispy, crunchy ore-ida onion rings.

ah, but water into wine...so totally the coolest stunt J-man ever pulled. think about it- i believe the chemical formula is something like

H2O --> H2yo

i got plenty of water on my hands, or something akin to it since i live on the banks of the mighty (mighty nasty) huron river. but try as i might, my evolutive transformation spells just weren't working tonight. maybe it was my technique. maybe it was my lack of experience, being an orphan who had to learn magic on his own without benefit of the Ancient Wizdommes. maybe it was the crab legs and the rusty-ass schick razor i scooped up in my first pail of river water.

whatever the cause, i sure as hell wasn't having none of the effect.

i decided maybe i needed to decrease the complexity of the spell. i eliminated two pillar candles and my seventh veil and decided to use cheap soda instead of water. after a trip to Diag Party Store i was all set to 'try, try again' (RIP, girl). i don't want to give away my secrets (or type for very much longer) so i'll just let you know that twenty minutes later i had succeeded in turning Fruitopia into Old Style.

i headed home from the river with my pail of the bubbly stuff and jumped onto the computer, where i now type this. i must confess i'm a little drunk which is why this entry has a slightly different tone than my usual shit.

p.s. if there's any cute bottom Bois out there IM me. lets hook it up. kewl!