Attn: Department Staff
RE: Failure to Handle Charts Properly
Date: 11/20/01

It has recently come to our attention that there has been a failure to adhere to office protocol as it pertains to the proper way to sign in/sign out charts to medical students.

Please make a note of the following suggestions, as we feel that adherence to a standard practice in this matter will result in increased productivity and will better facilitate inter-departmental co-operations...We feel that by making certain we follow these simple guidelines, we guarantee our ability to successfully carry out our responsibilities as a Records Department. Thanks for your cooperation in this matter

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in the wake of my triumph i've decided not to rest on my laurels. i'm already hard at work on my next opus, an excerpt from which follows:

Attn: Department Staff
Re: Grievous misuse of Company time


We have recently become aware that many of our number have been engaging in a practice which is detrimental to the Company as an entity and deleterious to department morale, and which takes place on company time to boot. Therefore it is affirmed that henceforth, hasty masturbation in company washrooms will no longer be permitted except on coffee breaks and lunch hours. We ask that you confine all pleasureless, robotic autoeroticism to those times only and restrict your mechanical, time-killing self-pleasure to the following locations; the first-floor handicapped restroom, all third-floor abandoned conference rooms/utility closets, and the dimly-lit recess beneath the basement stairs. Again We appreciate your assistance in maintaining a productive work environment for us all!



oh p.s...new coworker!
name: tangie
age: late fifties
nicknames: tangie, The Tange
favorite sayings: "ah my gad!" ('oh, my God' sputtered nasally)

tangie is kind of like the poor man's martha stewart. while a more ambitious homemaker might have tips for how to stencil colorful zinnias onto the eaves of a gazebo, tangie instead offers helpful hints on how to avoid "that pinky-beigey color" that stems from the white-washing of plywood cabinets. as a self-confessed epicurean, i have nothing but respect for a person who enjoys preparing toasted hazelnuts in a pear glace; yet something seems less than appealing to me about tangie's offer to whip up a batch of her delectable "snickers bar casserole," a recipe garnered from a website of questionable provenance entitled www.topsecretrecipes.com. i am forced to wonder how i ever could have considered myself net-savvy having never stumbled across that particular dot-com gem. yesterday-

me- Tangie, i'm going to the deli, do you want me to order you a sandwich? i'm getting pesto w/mozzarella and tomato on challah.

tangie: What do they have?

me: I don't know, its a deli.

tangie: (producing a five dollar bill) Just get me a sandwich.

me: (slighly puzzled) Um, what do you want on it?

The Tange: Whatever, i'm not picky. meat, some cheese.

me: (totally baffled) Like what?! Corned beef, turkey? gouda, cheddar? swiss?

tangie: Yeah, that sounds good.


******