while perusing the oral-b display at my local grocery store, a renegade toothbrush caught my eye. in a sea of six-dollar brushes (their prices indicated by one of those curved plastic signs they slide into the front of the shelf) the sticker-priced toothbrush labeled $2.99 jumped out at me. buy me!, it whispered. You won't regret it- i'll make you money, nigga!
true to its word, the toothbrush, which rang up at $5.99, somehow earned me a dividend of seven dollars and thirty-four cents when presented to the Customer Assistance station- a net profit of $4.35 with a free 40-bristle HARD-style toothbrush thrown in at no extra charge. allow me to disclaim the value of this minor miracle by appending my good-luck story with the following statement:
this toothbrush raped my mouth.
i just used it, and although i have done little today more strenuous than lifting a crate containing 75 medical charts, my mouth looks like it has been in uninterrupted contact with the fists of Sugar Ray Leonard for the last three days.
a striking email i received tonight:
Hi Travis,
I just needed to let you know that your brother is in jail down in Florida. He was arrested last Thursday and was charged with grand theft, credit card fraud and impersonation for the purpose of committing a crime.
He is in the xxxxx County Jail in xxxxx County. HE goes before the judge on January 2nd so it looks like he'll be spending the holidays there.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Call if you want to talk, I'll be around.
Love,
Mom