a short sampling of the disparate elements which comprise my personality and physical personage, to the extent that the two can be separated, in no particular order (except that i was slightly drunk when i started the list and moderately drunk when i finished it): an unquenchable psychological craving for alcohol. the unceasing ever-present need for a small amount of food. vegetarian status, arrived at after eavesdropping on a lengthy debate between the driver and frontseat passenger of a car i inhabited on a roadtrip. a penchant for wearing clothing that, too tight to fit properly after being dryed in a dryer, must be worn for several hours before appearing (falsely) comfortable. dyed black hair. a taste for colorful art of the postmodern era a la klee, eames, knoll, rothko...with a certain appreciation for the pleasant hedonism of the rococo period i.e fragonard, boucher. a desire to discuss masturbation, a frequently engaged pasttime which typically involves still gifs and jpegs (at least until a cable modem spontaneously manifests itself in my bedroom). a fondness for simple pop music performed by idiosyncratic vocalists (tricky, bikeride, tori amos, bjork, helium, belle and sebastian, fugees, adult). a dissatisfaction with my face, which has these weird little bumps all over which i attribute to a skin condition called milia. an experience involving me murdering a bat in my living room with a broom. a belief that friends dont have to share ideologies, a belief which has endangered my relationship with my roommate. an experience involving my mother’s boyfriend breaking a wooden cooking spoon over my ass. an experience touching my next-door neighbor’s penis in a shed containing my father’s lawnmower and a bigwheel, circa 1984. an utter loathing of feta cheese, barefeet, and mayonnaise esp. any combination of the above. a sense of humor rooted in deadpanning absurd tastlenesses derived primarily from three girls who never knew one another- melissa l., katie g. and nina b. a sense that i can hide not being exceptionally intelligent or original by accumulating a respectable vocabulary and deploying it whenever cornered. a sense that the absence of musical creativity can be excused if i achieve a mastery of several instruments, currently a respectable pianist and cellist working on guitar and occasionally harp. having large feet. being consistently broke by virtue of a fundamental inability or unwillingness to subscribe to the rigors of a self-imposed budget. a pretentious feeling that i understand teachers better than i understand fellow students in almost every scenario. a desire to be financially comfortable and to translate that comfort into my physical surroundings - nice furniture, expensive clothes, traveling. an almost fascist judgment of others’ appearances. an outlook on things that seems to genuinely interest a lot of people. a nice body. really good clothes. a fanatical devotion to the constant application of deodorant which will probably result in my getting fucking alzheimer’s (knock on wood). the realization on a june afternoon in 1997, while laying in bed around 4pm, upon putting on a joni mitchell cd checked out from the library and while holding a copy of She’s Come Undone by wally lamb, that i was for better or for worse on my own, with no where to go/ no one to bug should something scare me, should i need new shoes, or should i simply want to sleep in my own bed. ab attle with the urge to bit my fingernails. an attraction to what i on an unconscious level perceive as the simplicity of the male psyche, though this concept probably just references the archetypal heterosexual male mentality, suggesting a possible explanation for my failure when it comes to understanding the mental processes of the gay men with whom i find myself sleeping. a like for the look of bowties. a love of applesauce, and a preference for the employment of a fork when eating macaroni and cheese. a feeling that my african-american father’s ethnicity should inspire in me some sense of privilege that my white friends will never know, when it actually just fills me with a vague, displaced guilt for not identifying with a marginalized people of which i am allegedly a member. a dissatisfaction with the appearance of my penis. the experience of years of riding rollercoasters with my little brother beside me. a tendency to not change my socks as much as i should. having a beautiful cello vibrato. managing to have finally landed a best friend who loves me unconditionally and whom i respect as much as i respect myself but who probably doesnt have the patience to read this. knowing that my only other gay relative was hit by a car and killed the day after i was born. thinking but not being sure that i love a lot of people that i dont talk to who live much too far away for comfort.