after finishing my leftovers from the indian restaurant down the street, i logged on the computer to check my email. after deleting numerous ill-directed porn solicitations, the most direct of which was titled simply and somewhat oxymoronically 'Rape Sex,' i noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. being gay, i immediately assumed that i was in the company of a spider and jumped atop my chair. i wasn't wrong, exactly-- a tiny, bright red spidery/termitey-looking thing was crawling across my desk. "dena!" i yelled to my roommate. "come look at this!" dena rushed in and confirmed that it was indeed a spider. she insisted that i kill it, but as there was no tissue handy, i grabbed a water-bottle cap from my bedside table and placed it over the spider. "what the hell are you doing?" dena shouted. "that's sure as hell not gonna hold him." looking around, she spotted a small jar behind my computer monitor, reached for it, and placed it on top of the bottle cap. as she turned around to leave the room, i realized what she had done.
me: "way to go, there, dude."
dena: "what?"
me: "you just lubed him to death."
dena: (screams, lunges for antibacterial soap)