oh my god, i am HEARTBROKEN
after successfully stifling a scream which would have undoubtedly been of jeannie bueller-esque proportions, i had to force myself to unclasp my hands from my mouth. this was my involuntary reaction to the shocking discovery that the cardigans' songwriter and lead guitarist, one Peter Svensson, is also the featured guitarist on the last MOTHERFUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS MOTHERFUCKING ALBUM!!! that's right, the famous swedish songwriting team behind megahits performed by the likes of cher, celine dion, britney and BSB apparently decided to keep it in the family when shopping out axemen for 'Black and Blue,' the most recent steaming pile of shit to be dumped on america by the commercial pop industry. goddamn it, just when i thought my anxiety for the release of the new cardies album couldnt possibly diminish.
i've been having a shitty day at work all around. it started when my boss (who'd actually shown up for work for the first time this week) demanded to know if i had remembered my keys for the storage room across the hall, which i tend to forget at home. like it fucking matters. so i inform erlene that yes, i have in fact remembered to tote aforementioned keys to work which prompts her to remark, in a fatass white trash bitch's manner of speaking, "amazin'...how offen does that happen?" to which our hero unthinkingly offers the witty but inadvisably saucy rejoinder, "uh, about as often as you show up for work, i guess." so i've been getting the diet-coked-out trailer-park version of the evil eye all day.
this would be fine if i didn't also have to deal with irritating med students all day. this one student in particular invokes both my ire and my pity. she appears at my desk every ten minutes or so, requesting a different patient's chart each time. i would unilaterlaly hate her if i wasnt so perplexed by her amazingly fucked-up makeup.
yeah, somehow this girl decided that she would be the trendsetter who elevated the classic "smoky eye" to the decidedly nonclassic "blackened cajun eye." i fell bad, she must be awful broke, what with going through 3000 kohl pencils a week and all. i can no longer make eye contact when she comes round; its too much like talking to the korean version of the raccoon from Shirttales.
but speaking of cher, i've noticed a disturbing new change in her public persona. i'm terming it The Desexualization of Cher. i think that there is a masterminded effort underway to make the once sexually-threatening maneater cher into a savory and wholesome grandma-figure. imean, what have the lyrics of her last hits been concerned with? 'song for the lonely' with its hackneyed verses about coming to terms with singleness positively reeks of widowhood. and then there's 'believe,' whose assinine chorus speaks (or rather, lisps) for itself. this has been going on with actresses in hollywood like michelle pfeiffer for years. think about it:
1986: fabulous baker boy piano riding nymphet
1989: sultry religieuse seductress in dangerous liaisons
1993: urban schoolmarm extraordinaire in dangerous minds (theme of danger running throughout career?)
2001: harried hysterical housewife whose sexuality has been all but buried at sea in The Deep End of The Ocean.
the facts are right there, people. i'm just saying.