because i am smart, i frequently make smart decisions. these decisions can range from mundane, quotidian choices to the truly inspired. a brief examination of some of my more clever decisions reveals that like a fine beaujolais i am improving with age. examples:
spring 1997: why go to college straight out of high school? take a semester off to travel...live a little! or a lot. why don't you make that eight semesters. and be sure never to travel again after that two month trip to ireland. also, get drunk a lot.
summer 1999: you know what? a cool, unplugged iron actually resembles a burning dantean iron channeling the wretched flames of the unholy in almost every way. why don't you take a break from Mariokart, put down that rolling rock and see for yourself which variety of iron rests on your friend's living room floor? sure, you could check the metal faceplate of the iron with a gingerly outstreched finger, but on a balmy july evening like tonight, wouldn't that chilly grey steel feel so much nicer against your tender, precious lips? go on, find out you shithead.
autumn 2002: what a beautiful night! go for a bikeride, mcullen. the first cigarette of the day always tastes so great- i will hold it with my right hand. but lo, a telephone call! i'll just answer it with my left. "what ho, good sir! where's the party tonight?" in retrospect, mcullen, you are no doubt aware that the party was most definitely NOT within the trunk of the mighty oak tree you just crashed into. but you probably figured that out, after your phone bounced to a stop on the sidewalk, and you on the lawn of gamma phi beta. but though you stopped, take comfort in the fact that your newly disconnected front wheel bravely rolls on, weaving through traffic as it speeds ambitiously down the aptly named Hill Street. look at it go!
so you know what? the next time i'm at a party with you, and someone says "hey travis, take off your pants and your shirt and come sit with us on the couch!" feel free to remind me about any of the above. if i ignore you, please try again when you notice the photographer beginning to erect his tripod. i will try to listen to you, i swear. just not while the buzzcocks are on, cool?