i feel compelled to update although nothing has happened. oh, well, i did realize that i don't think i'll ever be able to take a vacation with a girl again. which isnt necessarily a bad thing, i mean considering how unbalanced my friend ratio of girls to guys has traditionally been, i suppose a vacation wouldnt really be a vacation unless i left all my bitches behind. the problem with girls and vacations is that bitches never want to go no place cold! what is it with chicks and hot weather? they are all over that shit. they live for it. they freak out when leaves start falling. not that i'm particularly fond of wending my way through treacherous blinding snow or slip-and-fall tailbone fractures, but when it comes to taking a break from the norm for a few days....call me a climatic conservative but i find spending my time picking out the right sweater to match my umbrella infinitely preferable to sweating through my clothes, trying to find "peeling sunburn ointment" in a berlitz manual and shaking scorpions out of my shoes on some dusty beach in margaritaville.
the point is moot in any case, as any vacation i might take exists on distant horizon alongside remote prospects like flat stomach, ability to finish books without starting others and discovery of moderation. work is life. speaking of which i am at present disappointed with my boss who just fired my favorite coworker, a four hundred pound black woman who is deaf in one ear. how are you gonna fire a four hundred pound black woman who is deaf in one ear! comedy writers all over the west coast are shaking their heads in exasperation.
despite my despondence over the somber mood in the office, i made a feeble attempt to lighten the local mood earlier.
boss: you okay? seem a little, er, out of it.
me: whew, yeah...that's the last time i mix xanax and zoloft. i'm still depressed, i'm just too tired to cry about it.
boss: (sidles away with back against wall)
oh yeah! i have learned of a truly amazing new game that i predict will sweep the scene this summer. some snooping around through the cobwebbed, dimly lit back corridors of the InterNet turned up a phenomenal team sport called Bonving. invented in 1994 by bored members of the totally awesome swedish band Eggstone, successful Bonving gameplay requires:
four players
four plastic wastebaskets (office size)
one size nine (9) men's shoe
each team of two players stands inside a rectangle of depth 6 meters and length 10 meters. the teams' respective rectangles are separated by a space eighteen meters wide, which is variously termed 'The Void' or in ineloquent scandglish, 'The Ice Cold Void.' players take turns lobbing a shoe, preferably a loafer, into the rectangle belonging to their opponents where each player holds a wastebasket, ready to catch the shoe.
if the loafer lands on the ground inside the catching team's rectangle, the offensive team scores a point. if the loafer is caught or lands in the Ice Cold Void, the catching team scores a point. sets are played to 17 points (!). those are the basics. i will be soliciting interested players to contact me in the coming weeks but for now, consider yourselves warned.
more as the situation unfolds.