you might think that after decades of working in the tailoring and alterations business, you'd probably have pretty much seen it all. but once again, the guy at A-1 alterations managed to find a way to make me feel like a complete aberration who has no idea how clothes are worn.
i brought in three of the eight pairs of pants that i own which suffer from completely split-open crotches and politely asked him to restitch them. of course, the barely controlled grin on his face lasted all of two seconds before he burst into laughter.
"WHAT are you DOING to you PANTS?!!" he guffawed.
"i don't know," i answered truthfully. he appeared dissatisfied with my explanation.
"No, no- WHY DIS HAPPPEN?!"
i maintained my innocence for the duration of the transaction. eventually he asked for my telephone number and name. travis, i told him.
"Travis? Yeah? Travis? WELL IT'S A 'TRAVIS'-TY THAT YOU DO DIS ALL THE TIME TO YOU PANTS!" he barked.
all of this took me back to the time i brought in a coat which needed the shoulders taken-in. the only marked difference between my recent experience and the coat incident was that when i brought in the jacket, the entire A-1 extended family was present to witness and enjoy the tongue-lashing i received. as i tried on the red knee-length coat to display it's poor fit, i could already see the eyes of the alteration guy burning with dark fire.
"You are...Bellboy? Yes? Bellboy?" asked the cruel seamster. behind him five school-aged girls covered their mouths and shook with silent laughter.
"No, I- well, it's from San Francisco," i offered hopefully, desperate to stop the giggling. the man began a new line of questioning.
"How much you pay for dis?"
answering with a figure in the low hundreds, i will admit i was surprised when his jaw dropped and his eyes flew open. for a moment he stood still and then he began to stammer:
"Well- well, ahh---" he began, "YOU PAY TOO MUCH!!! the entire room exploded with laughter.
"YOU PAY TOO MUCH!!!" he screamed again, rushing to expose the interior sideseam of the garment to two women in their mid-fifties who had been quiet until now. the horrible laughter still reverberating off the walls of the tiny loft, i watched in shamed silence as the women, formerly my only allies in this battle of wills shook their heads ruefully before looking at one other and throwing back their dark heads to join the Babel-esque cacophony of voices.
"WHY YOU PAY SO MUCH??!?!" he shrieked, to a renewed burst of banshee wails- incredible howling laughter which now threatened to shatter the tiny windows that looked out onto the street. as spectators began to form a small and confused crowd on the sidewalk below, i gathered my things and rushed out the door and down the stairs. a small voice called after me.
"ThursdayfivepmTHANKYOU."
and did i mention the place is expensive too? eight dollars for a hem...give me a break, man.